I understand that I am not the first in your priorities. It stings, yes, but believe me, I understand completely. But please understand too that it will maybe take me a long time to accept that. No, don't blame yourself. There's no one to blame about my feelings, not even me. I know I shouldn't apologize about what I feel but I'll say sorry anyway.
I don't want to feel bad about being a second or third or fourth choice. I don't want to feel hurt about not being your top priority. But I do. I hurt. And the pain only grows everyday; I can't seem to stop it.
Maybe because all my life I've always stepped aside and put other people's interest over mine; inevitably shrinking myself behind the top choices. When I was a kid, I wanted so many things. But I didn't ask them from my parents because in my young mind, I am aware that they don't have the means to give them to me. So I kept quiet because I knew there were important things that we need more than my own interests,
I've always been giving away too much; my time, my presence, my support, my patience. No one sees it maybe, but I've been constantly putting other people's feelings before mine. And although I have my share of selfishness, there weren't worth the memory. They weren't that lavish. I've always been simple.
My point is, maybe the reason why it hurts not being your top priority is because I've waited for someone like you for so long. Someone who will see pass my flaws, someone who will put me first for once, above everything else. And then I found you, and you love me as much as I do you. But the glitch is that I'm never going to be your first priority. And it sucks big time. It sucks because I shouldn't feel jealous but I am jealous. And I am mad, not at you, not at her, and not at myself either, but at fate. At destiny. Even sometimes, at God.
Why? Why do I always end up second? Why can't I be the first for once?
I am sorry I am doing this to you. I don't mean to put you in a spot where you feel like you're forced to choose. I am not making you choose. There is no choice. I just want you to understand me, and to tell you what I truly feel because you never ask. And I don't want that there will come a time where all of these will explode in the wrong way.
So I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I don't want to feel bad about being a second or third or fourth choice. I don't want to feel hurt about not being your top priority. But I do. I hurt. And the pain only grows everyday; I can't seem to stop it.
Maybe because all my life I've always stepped aside and put other people's interest over mine; inevitably shrinking myself behind the top choices. When I was a kid, I wanted so many things. But I didn't ask them from my parents because in my young mind, I am aware that they don't have the means to give them to me. So I kept quiet because I knew there were important things that we need more than my own interests,
I've always been giving away too much; my time, my presence, my support, my patience. No one sees it maybe, but I've been constantly putting other people's feelings before mine. And although I have my share of selfishness, there weren't worth the memory. They weren't that lavish. I've always been simple.
My point is, maybe the reason why it hurts not being your top priority is because I've waited for someone like you for so long. Someone who will see pass my flaws, someone who will put me first for once, above everything else. And then I found you, and you love me as much as I do you. But the glitch is that I'm never going to be your first priority. And it sucks big time. It sucks because I shouldn't feel jealous but I am jealous. And I am mad, not at you, not at her, and not at myself either, but at fate. At destiny. Even sometimes, at God.
Why? Why do I always end up second? Why can't I be the first for once?
I am sorry I am doing this to you. I don't mean to put you in a spot where you feel like you're forced to choose. I am not making you choose. There is no choice. I just want you to understand me, and to tell you what I truly feel because you never ask. And I don't want that there will come a time where all of these will explode in the wrong way.
So I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
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