Unsent Letter: 02

I understand that I am not the first in your priorities. It stings, yes, but believe me, I understand completely. But please understand too that it will maybe take me a long time to accept that. No, don't blame yourself. There's no one to blame about my feelings, not even me. I know I shouldn't apologize about what I feel but I'll say sorry anyway.

I don't want to feel bad about being a second or third or fourth choice. I don't want to feel hurt about not being your top priority. But I do. I hurt. And the pain only grows everyday; I can't seem to stop it.

Maybe because all my life I've always stepped aside and put other people's interest over mine; inevitably shrinking myself behind the top choices. When I was a kid, I wanted so many things. But I didn't ask them from my parents because in my young mind, I am aware that they don't have the means to give them to me. So I kept quiet because I knew there were  important things that we need more than my own interests,

I've always been giving away too much; my time, my presence, my support, my patience. No one sees it maybe, but I've been constantly putting other people's feelings before mine. And although I have my share of selfishness, there weren't worth the memory. They weren't that lavish. I've always been simple.

My point is, maybe the reason why it hurts not being your top priority is because I've waited for someone like you for so long. Someone who will see pass my flaws, someone who will put me first for once, above everything else. And then I found you, and you love me as much as I do you. But the glitch is that I'm never going to be your first priority. And it sucks big time. It sucks because I shouldn't feel jealous but I am jealous. And I am mad, not at you, not at her, and not at myself either, but at fate. At destiny. Even sometimes, at God.

Why? Why do I always end up second? Why can't I be the first for once?

I am sorry I am doing this to you. I don't mean to put you in a spot where you feel like you're forced to choose. I am not making you choose. There is no choice. I just want you to understand me, and to tell you what I truly feel because you never ask. And I don't want that there will come a time where all of these will explode in the wrong way.

So I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What It Feels Like To Be Jealous of Your Ex

Knowing that she had you first is filling me up with a crazy sense of insecurity that I’ve never felt before, and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m so jealous of your past. I wanted to be the one who gave you those sweet memories, but you knew her first. What was I supposed to do?

I don’t know her. You don’t talk about her either, save for that one time. But you didn’t say anything that much, only that she cheated on you so you two broke up. But the bitterness I heard in your voice didn’t escape me and it only added to the nagging mystery that’s already surrounding this girl you fell first.

Who is she? What was she like? What was it about her that you fell hard for? What was it about her that had captivated you so? Why was she different from any other girls? I want to ask these questions. I want you to tell me what made you decide then that you wanted to build a family with her considering you have a child together. I want to ask you these so that I will know where I’ll place myself. So that I’ll know what separates me from her. So that at least my mind can stop giving me these questions and for my heart to stop beating with bitterness and self-doubt.

Because I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to feel any of this. I don’t even know her. She doesn’t have a clue of who I am. But I still couldn’t stop myself from feeling so insecure. I cannot stop myself from comparing us. I cannot stop from constantly wondering why you chose me after her.

I don’t question your love for me. I can feel that it’s true; otherwise I wouldn’t have given you a chance. However, I can’t help but question the weight of that love. I know, I am aware, that she and I are two different people and that I shouldn’t even start comparing. The only thing we have in common is you. But you can’t blame me. You two had a perfect life together. She loved you. She bore your child. What if one day she realizes that she wants you back? That she wants your family to be complete again? You cannot make me stop from worrying about that because that’s a possibility.

I’m usually a wise person. I don’t worry so much. I don’t overthink about things I have no control over. So why am I being like this? Is this how it feels like to be jealous of your ex? This is ridiculous. And yet…it’s here.

I hate this irrational fear of losing you over to someone you once had. This isn’t me. This. Is. Not. Me. But this is me right now. What am I doing to myself? What are you doing to me? Why am I so jealous when you’re not even giving me something to be jealous about? I am crazy. I’m losing my mind.

This is just the kind of thing love does to people. And I hate how I can’t seem to hate love in all of its flaws.